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February 4, 2010
A Floor Kiss: Lately, I have been sorrowing, but haven’t done anything to be sorrowful about. I have been repenting over past mistakes, but not fresh ones. I feel like Maria who decides to kiss the floor of her enemy, before ever making a mistake. The Lord has planted things in my mind to remind me of my error, and my vulnerability, before I have made any mistakes… I have been praying wonderful prayers each morning that humbly petition and help and have been joyfully receiving much grace through the day that is not me, it is supplemented of Him.
New Tricks: Yesterday, while I was doing the dishes, and my daughter was complaining, I pictured in my mind this beautiful, heavenly princess that the Lord loved dearly. This image became so poignant that I over ran feelings of irritation I was experiencing. I was able then to wait till I felt very calm, delivered a very appropriate consequence, and went on with my day. This idea came from a talk I heard on Sunday where a wonderful woman spoke to us about employing various techniques to keep us in wisdom’s path.
Happy as a clam: Today ended so happily as a family, we went to my midwife appointment, went to the park, ate french fries, enjoyed the chill air, came home, took a nap, let the kids watch a movie they’d chosen at the library time. My daughter wanted to have our missed circle time at dinner and it went charming.
Still Sorrowing: I enjoyed some hubby time, but found myself crying at the emotional ebbs of the background music, sorrowing over my mistakes in parenting. I found myself pleading to the Lord to fix my mistakes of the past through His Son’s blood, and keep me in the path of love in the future. I shun at the thought of future mistakes. I read “Raising your Spirited Child” again after these tears, which is written by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I felt great peace in doing so, and wrote the things I learned in my journal. I feel I have reached a point of humility where I and the Lord both know I can’t do it alone and will even fail miserably. Because I have not forgotten that I need Him, He’s kept my weakness at the forefront of my mind, reminded me in gentle ways of my vulnerability and need for Him, and taught me from scriptures, and “the best books.” (“…seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best abooks words ofwisdom, seek learning even by study and also by faith; Doctrine and Covenants 109:7) Not that I’ve been perfect, I haven’t, I’ve had my share of bloopers, but I feel I am at a good place. I like this sorrowing before hand much better. The Lord calls it Remembering. “6 And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, you that belong to this church, have you sufficiently retained in aremembrance the captivity of your fathers? … 26 And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ccan ye feel so now?” Alma 5:6, 26
A real laugh and an “Aha”: But I have to laugh because Kurcinka says “A guide for parents whose child is more”….intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic.” I was talking to my mom on the phone and it dawned on me that I am a spirited woman trying to raise a spirited child. So, I couldn’t stand a single scratchy item of clothing, wouldn’t wear anything that ‘popped up’. Could read my moms mind since the time I was four, and poked my brothers and sisters eyes when I got mad…. And somehow I had myself fooled into thinking I was the perfect child and deserved such a perfect child. Somehow my mom loved me so dearly and praised me so perfectly, that I thought I was her angel. Oh what a miracle it will be if I talk to my daughter, in future years and find she thinks, why can’t I have a daughter just like me? Don’t I deserve that? Then I will know I have succeeded, just like my mom has succeeded with me~ <3
October 6, 2009
Sometimes, I feel bothered at how much I have to work on my weakness in wrath.
But I realized that everyone has their DAILY battles, and that Satan works with people in three ways… wrath, passiveness, and flattery.
September 22, 2009
(Mary Poppins and Bert/ Halloween 2008)
I LOVE education week!!! It is so Awesome!!! Its like Annual Conferences Latter Day Saints can enjoy every six months, filled with the words of the prophets inspiredly quoting scriptures we need to hear, and giving quality inspired apostolic counsel to the specific needs we have this day, but Education week is the Saints APPLYING the gospel on various subjects of living and learning, and SOMETIMES, hearing a normal every day SAINT applying the gospel into their life, is ALL it takes to make a principle finally SINK in!!!
Well, one of my ALLSTARS/ CRUSHES this year, was a teacher by the last name of Goddard. He was all twinkley eyed, precious, loving, funny and insightful! ** His talk on marriage, made it finally sink in about the principle that TWO twain become ONE. I realized that husbands are not “another person’s needs to meet”, at the end of the day when you are exhausted and tired of meeting others needs, but they are as YOURSELF, twain flesh become ONE, and you DECIDE to treat them as YOURSELF! Surely, if I can squeeze energy to eat a cookie for MYSELF, or BROWSE the net, then can’t I also SERVE “myself”; something small, rub his feet for ten minutes, LISTEN when he talks to me as a best friend. (Yes, sometimes I feel, “Stop talking to me, I want to just hear my own thoughts!”) Seriously, I love my kids but when ole’ Goddard spoke I realized I was treating Riley as my child, another kids needs to meet, so he was getting the short end of the stick sometimes, when I was like, I AM DONE meeting OTHERS NEEDS, I am exhausted. Capoot. Sleep. Or Self time.
So, as it turns out, Riley and I have been faithfully working on having baby 4. It has been nigh unto six months now. And another education week epiphany for me was in realizing that each 21 days, I map out my temperatures and other fertility factors, that I could diligently chart out my goal to treat Riley as myself, and making my love for him deep as the mercy I allow in my own mistakes. Last 21 day period started out strong, then I petered out. With another negative pregnancy test, I have repented of my fizzle, but this morning, I have dissapointment, that I am such a STINKING PERFECTIONIST!!! I canned last night but fell asleep, and Riley helped lovingly with the kids, and put away the food, but after I gave him a little cuddle when a head ache came on, I fell right asleep on the couch. He REMEMBERED to turn the pears off at 20 minutes, which saved us from having a pot of mushy pear bits and shards of glass this morning, but when I woke up and realized that he didn’t also take them out, I was SOOOO annoyed!!! My pairs looked ‘burny’ because they steam-cooked all night! (My daughter’s term). So I was so PEEVED that my sailor mouth even came out, and I am so annoyed too cause my goal to love Riley flew out the window too. Well, thus comes apologies, but I realize I am such a perfectionist. Riley pointed out that I gave my all to the things that mattered most yesterday. Good man, encouraging me while I treated him poorly, but I just have the hardest time rolling with the punches, and noticing what the good a man DID do, when I am so DISAPPOINTED!!! One batch of my pears sat in a sink for 3 hours because of a party I went to before I could finish, and this one got cooked all night, so I have only one out of three batches of pears that turned out, and alas! I am so sad. Is there any woman out there to feel my pain? Next year, hands down, I am doing homeschool one extra month in the summer and giving myself September JUST for canning! Take that Self!
I hope Riley has noticed the difference of my goal even still, and, I am thankful for many examples of how I see many of my great friends interact with their husbands that keeps me inspired and chomping at the bit to enjoy love, romance, friendship and strengthening one another!
July 16, 2009
Studying this morning, I realize my post from yesterday needs some balance. And it is the most delicate balance of all. Part of keeping our own ‘house’ in order, is to love and serve others. But to love and serve, without infringing on other’s agency, can sometimes be such a difficult line to walk.
As President Monson, prophet of this dispensation teaches, we are our brother’s keeper. Not in charge of other’s actions, and choices, yet still he explains it is our privledge to love and serve them.
My Brother’s Keeper
President Thomas S. Monson
“Joy turns to sadness as we learn of Abel’s tragic death at the hands of his brother Cain. Chapters of counsel, lessons for living, guidance from God are found in one brief verse: “And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen. 4:9.)…
In the touching account of the good Samaritan, Jesus teaches vividly the interpretation of the lesson, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Matt. 19:19.) Answered effectively is the haunting question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”….
An entire vista of opportunity is unfolded to our view when we contemplate the magnitude of King Benjamin’s admonition, recorded in the Book of Mormon: “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.” (Mosiah 2:17.)…
Let us for a moment join Captain Edward Martin and the handcart company he led. While we will not feel the pangs of hunger which they felt or experience the bitter cold that penetrated their weary bodies, we will emerge from our visit with a better appreciation of hardship borne, courage demonstrated, and faith fulfilled. We will witness with tear-filled eyes a dramatic answer to the question “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
“The handcarts moved on November 3 and reached the river, filled with floating ice. To cross would require more courage and fortitude, it seemed, than human nature could muster. Women shrank back and men wept. Some pushed through, but others were unequal to the ordeal.
“ ‘Three eighteen-year-old boys belonging to the relief party came to the rescue; and to the astonishment of all who saw, carried nearly every member of that ill-fated handcart company across the snow-bound stream. The strain was so terrible, the exposure so great, that in later years all the boys died from the effects of it. When President Brigham Young heard of this heroic act, he wept like a child, and later declared publicly, “That act alone will ensure C. Allen Huntington, George W. Grant, and David P. Kimball an everlasting salvation in the Celestial Kingdom of God, worlds without end.” ’ ” (LeRoy R. Hafen and Ann W. Hafen, Handcarts to Zion, Glendale, Calif.: The Arthur H. Clark Co., 1960, pp. 132–33.)
Our service to others may not be so dramatic, but we can bolster human spirits, clothe cold bodies, feed hungry people, comfort grieving hearts, and lift to new heights precious souls.
Junius Burt of Salt Lake City, a longtime worker in the Streets Department, related a touching and inspirational experience. He declared that on a cold winter morning, the street cleaning-crew of which he was a member was removing large chunks of ice from the street gutters. The regular crew was assisted by temporary laborers who desperately needed the work. One such wore only a lightweight sweater and was suffering from the cold. A slender man with a well-groomed beard stopped by the crew and asked the worker, “You need more than that sweater on a morning like this. Where is your coat?” The man replied that he had no coat to wear. The visitor then removed his own overcoat, handed it to the man and said, “This coat is yours. It is heavy wool and will keep you warm. I just work across the street.” The street was South Temple. The Good Samaritan who walked into the Church Administration Building to his daily work and without his coat was President George Albert Smith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His selfless act of generosity revealed his tender heart. Surely he was his brother’s keeper…
“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
“But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matt. 6:19–21.)…
We have no way of knowing when our privilege to extend a helping hand will unfold before us. The road to Jericho each of us travels bears no name, and the weary traveler who needs our help may be one unknown. Altogether too frequently, the recipient of kindness shown fails to express his feelings, and we are deprived of a glimpse of greatness and a touch of tenderness that motivates us to go and do likewise…..
The desire to help another, the quest for the lost sheep, may not always yield success at once. On occasion progress is slow—even indiscernible. Such was the experience of my longtime friend Gil Warner. He was serving as a newly called bishop when “Douglas,” a member of his ward, transgressed and was deprived of his Church membership. Father was saddened; Mother was totally devastated. Douglas soon thereafter moved from the state. The years hurried by, but Bishop Warner, now a member of a high council, never ceased to wonder what had become of Douglas.
In 1975, I attended the stake conference of the Parleys stake and held a priesthood leadership meeting early on the Sunday morning. I spoke of the Church discipline system and the need to labor earnestly and lovingly to rescue any who had strayed. Gil Warner asked to speak and then outlined the story of Douglas. He concluded with the question, “Who has the responsibility to work with Douglas and bring him back to Church membership?” Gil advised me later that my response to his question was direct and given without hesitation: “It is your responsibility, Gil, for you were his bishop, and he knew you cared.”
Unbeknownst to Gil Warner, Douglas’s mother had, the previous week, fasted and prayed that a man would be raised up to help save her son. Gil discovered this when he felt prompted to call her to report his determination to be of help.
Gil began his odyssey of redemption. Douglas was contacted by him. Old times, happy times, were remembered. Testimony was expressed, love was conveyed, and confidence instilled. The pace was excruciatingly slow. Discouragement frequently entered the scene; but, step by step, Douglas made headway. At long last prayers were answered, efforts rewarded, and victory attained. Douglas was approved for baptism.
The baptismal date was set, family members gathered, and former bishop Gil Warner flew to Seattle for the occasion. Can we appreciate the supreme joy felt by Bishop Warner as he, dressed in white, stood with Douglas in water waist-deep and, raising his right arm to the square, repeated those sacred words, “Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.” (D&C 20:73.)
He that was lost was found. A 26-year mission, marked by love and pursued with determination, had been successfully completed. Gil Warner said to me, “This was one of the greatest days of my life. I know the joy promised by the Lord when He declared, ‘And if it so be that you should labor all your days … and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!’ ” (D&C 18:15.)
Were the Lord to say to Gil Warner today, as He said to Adam’s son long years ago, “Where is Douglas, thy brother?” Bishop Warner could reply, “I am my brother’s keeper, Lord. Behold Douglas, thy son.”…My quest is to “Mind My Own Business” so to speak, in Minding only what God thinks, and those speaking with the Holy Spirit of God. (1 Nephi 6:5 Wherefore, the things which are apleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world. ) But then to Keep As My Business, and in ordering my own ‘house’, My Brothers, to Be My Brother’s Keeper, with out interferring with their agency, not to control, but to love, and to serve in the ways they need, and in the manner that uplifts them….And in fact, it is my prayer today that I might love those around me, no matter what they think of me, perceive my motives to be, or if they are indifferent or even abivilant towards me. The Lord will help me to love by his divine grace. And then I will find great joy and peace of mind.
July 14, 2009
So the other day, my neighbor, kind amazing raised eight children has a weed free farm garden, been the mayor of Orem–kinda hurt my feelings. She invited my children to play in their irrigation water, and when another girl whom she invited asked if Milly was going into kindergarten, and I told her she’d be doing homeschool, the girl replied “Thats cool.” Well, the amazing, wonderful neighbor said emphatically, “No. That is NOT cool.”
I was quite stupefied and had nothing to say…awkward silence type thing. The next day, as it was bothering me, I read some great scriptures and realized that usually if someone has an ill judgment of you, it is quite probable that they just don’t truly understand, either your perspective, the situation, your intent, etc.
Well, I think its funny, because ever since this point, instead of feeling pressure to be extremely normal and accepted, it seems I have now the permission to be myself. I think, “Well, I seem wierd to her already, might as well just be myself. I can’t possibly change to what I am supposed to be for her or anyone else, so might as well continue on just how I want to be! From that day, I have felt more free to just be who I am and not worry how others perceive me. For ill or for good.
Today has been one of those days where my soul has been clouded with anxieties. I prayed to the Lord to appease my soul. I read this scripture, and it brought me true peace:
Doctrine and Covenants
8 Organize yourselves; aprepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a bhouse of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of corder, a dhouse of God;
9 That your aincomings may be in the name of the Lord, that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord, that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High—
Also, I remembered the scripture I shared with Riley this morning before he went to work:
“ 10 Seek not to be acumbered…”
In the footnootes, cumbered refers you to Martha, who was careful and troubled over many things, but one thing was needful, and Mary had chosen that good part.
It is interesting that it says not to seek to be cumbered. Why we sometimes seek feelings rather than peace is a whole new can of worms, but I sought and felt peace at this point knowing I had just me to worry about. Today managing me has been hard enough, but I need certainly not cumber myself with other feelings of others, which is not my business. Straighten out me, make sure my actions and thoughts are aright, thats my only concern.
My mother in law once told me that what other people think of me, is not my business. That is something very hard to master, but its so true. For the rest of the day, I will let the Lord bring my own house, (body) and my home, peace, like I feel right now.
I have but one home to worry over, and one person in that home to control, (others only to guide and steer) but control only–myself.
July 6, 2009
I realized that I only post when I have had bad moments on this blog, which I wonder if could be somewhat depressing, and not very telling of all the joy and good that my days encompass. This negative posting, is because in my struggles, I write in my journal, and God teaches me, and then, for further accountability and growth, I post my feelings on this my accountability blog. Many joyful moments, countless triumphs, are not celebrated and recorded. On my run, it occurred to me, that the cycle that I go through is indeed the pride cycle which is identified through out scriptures. Modern apostle Russel M. Ballard, explains why this pride cycle can be identified through sacred books in his talk, Learning the Lessons of the Past, Ensign 2009:
“You don’t have to be a Latter-day Saint—you don’t even have to be religious—to see the repeating pattern of history in the lives of God’s children as recorded in the Old Testament. Time and again we see the cycle of righteousness followed by wickedness. Similarly, the Book of Mormon records that ancient civilizations of this continent followed exactly the same pattern: righteousness followed by prosperity, followed by material comforts, followed by greed, followed by pride, followed by wickedness and a collapse of morality until the people brought calamities upon themselves sufficient to stir them up to humility, repentance, and change.”
For my own journey with the pride cycle, I realize that a difficult circumstance arises that I don’t handle well. Here in I turn gravely to the Lord in penitant repentance, and faithful pleadings for help to change. I then experience a period of magnified help and gifted patience, while I exercise focused repeated petitionings, with faith etc. Then, after things start to go really well, I begin to feel that the patience and skills come naturally, and I forget to petition Him so consistently, or at least as penitently. It is then that I fall once more and realize that am utterly dependent on Him in my life.
To avoid the fall of the pride cycle, Russel M. Ballard invites us to study humbly the teachings of the Lord.
“Our Heavenly Father loves all of His children, and He wants them all to have the blessings of the gospel in their lives. Spiritual light is not lost because God turns His back on His children. Rather, spiritual darkness results when His children turn their collective backs on Him. It is a natural consequence of bad choices made by individuals, communities, countries, and entire civilizations. This has been proven again and again throughout the course of time. One of the great lessons of this historical pattern is that our choices, both individually and collectively, do result in spiritual consequences for ourselves and for our posterity….
With all my heart I hope and pray that you will be wise enough to learn the lessons of the past. You don’t have to spend time as a Laman or a Lemuel in order to know that it’s much better to be a Nephi or a Jacob. You don’t have to follow the path of Cain or Gadianton in order to realize that “wickedness never was happiness” (Alma 41:10). And you don’t have to allow your community to become like Sodom or Gomorrah in order to understand that it isn’t a good place to raise a family.
For me, keeping remembrance in the forefront of my mind has to come from more than just reading the scriptures, but reading the scriptures with an attitude that the words will rescue me in the truth they bring. I have to become as Paul, and remember that the thorn in my side, so to speak, is not given for me to fall, but to instead remember that I need Him, and to be able to have access to his grace. ( 2 Cor 12:7-9) 7 And lest I should be aexalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a bthorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My agrace is sufficient for thee: for my bstrength is made perfect in cweakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may drest upon me.”
Lately, as I have felt weak I have thought on this scripture, written by Paul. Romans 5:3-5 ” And not only so, but we glory in atribulations also: knowing that btribulation worketh cpatience; 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5 And ahope maketh not ashamed; because the blove of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” Thinking on this scripture has helped me to hang on to patience with the hope it will bring me confidence in the Lord. It has helped immensely.
When shopping at a local thrift store, I saw a cute little book. After I picked it up, I realized that it was an Al-Anon book with a daily quote to read to keep one in the right way. I felt that the spirit had sent it to me, to read a small quote each day, though I have no struggle with alcohol, to remind me gently that my weakness is with me each day and that I must depend on the Lord.
Also, an extremely helpful thing to do which has helped keep me in the light, and far from falling in my temper, has been to follow Apostle Eyring’s bidding, to write down even a snippet each day of how the Lord’s hand has been witnessed in my life. Sometimes, I write down a darling thing my child has said, sometimes I write down an amazing way that the Lord has had a hand in my life, and most often how His Hand has woven quite naturally a teaching, a blessing, a gift, or a help, natural, but still amazing if aknowledged and discerned. Usually, I think I will remember, but when I don’t write it down, the event can be lost from memory from anywhere of a day, to a week. Following Elder Eyring’s admonition has been a poweful way for me to deeply remember that I need my Savior and his guiding Love and Help through out every day and has enhanced even my sleep as I fall to sleep with a content and grateful heart in remembering his help, even in trial, for me to grow and be happy.
“Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. Oh Remember, Remember: Ensign 2007, Henry B. Eyring.
June 8, 2009
Today, while I was taking the sacrament, and repenting over a slip of this week, the Holy Spirit, whispered to my spirit, a promise.
Here was my self dialogue. “How do we really change, we talk so much about change, it seems so complicated.”
“Oh, yes, Faith in the Savior, I know the answer, its BELIEF, its FAITH, in Him.”
The Spirit then whispered to my heart, “If you have Faith in Christ, I will make your weakness a Strength. I will help you be as gentle as Lamb, and the Lion in you, will be for me, in Boldly pronouncing truth.” I knew, that the Lion would not be a scary Lion, coming out at the wrong times.
“Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them.
As I sat there, I believed in my Lord, I put my Faith in His promise, communicated by the Holy Ghost, to my heart and mind. I knew my weakness, in coming to the Lord, will become my strength, and how joyfully I will be to live in peace as a lamb, but have the ability to be the Lion when God needs a fearless woman to impart truth. Christ’s atoning grace changing me from the lion that comes out and produces fearful children.
I realize, that to change me, God has to do two things, teach me skills for different ways, and then ability beyond my own to perform and accomplish those newly learned skills.
Here is what he guided me tonight, Charlotte Mason says on teaching a child ” Habit of Sweet Temper” –Mother should “change the child’s thoughts before ever the bad temper has had time to develop into conscious feeling, much less act.”
She talks of watching the child and perceiving their feelings, and diverting them gives them a tool they can use, self diversion to a positive venue, to guard their virtue.
Instead of punishing, help them change a bad habit, into a good habit, contrary to the bad action. This takes a loving and patient, consistent attentive watchful eye over the course of six weeks to train their brains to a new thought pattern and set of actions. So for example Rawl approaches Hazel to steal her blanket, have him run go get her a toy, or I am noticing my patience is waning, so I go outside and do a cartwheel, and sing my favorite song, diverting my unreasonable thinking enough to think of a higher way!
So for the next six weeks, for a ‘sweet temper’ which I usually have, but that I want to have in the worst moments of all, sweet, but firm, and assertive, (She says to parents, “Its enough to to say, ‘Do this’, in a quiet tone, an authoritative tone, and expect it to be done.” )I will be:
Chang[ing] [MY] thoughts before ever the bad temper has had time to develop into conscious feeling, much less act.”
April 3, 2009
Some of you may be familiar with this old post called A late Valentine . It was given to me at a time I felt very undeserving of love in my life, and yet I plead for it desperately. I wondered today, how I can shed petals and love and beauty more predominately, to a child who needs to feel this.
Yesterday, Milly said, “I always forget”, referring to a time I was reminding her to talk in a nice voice, or to say something gratefuly instead of complaining. I realized she was inferring she felt inadequate in her attempts to learn the right ways. I wondered, how can I correct her without making her feel negatively about her own self immage? I prayed to Heavenly Father for a scripture to help me. I read 3 Nephi 22:6 “In a little wrath I hid m face from thee a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, Saith the Lord thy Redeemer.”
I realized how much mercy the Lord gives us, and that his punishment is as small as it possibley can be, just to help us turn. I asked the Lord how this could look in my life. Yesterday at the library, I read Milly a book called “Hats”. In it the boy teases others about their hats and makes them feel sad, embarrassed and ashamed. Then, a group of children with funky hats appreciate eachother for their different hats. Together they tell the boy who had teased them, “Neat hat”. And they boy’s heart changed. He then was able to make the right choice, and compliment others instead of pull them down.
The spirit gave me an idea as I pondered this scripture, of how I could give Milly more positive attention though it feels she needs correction so frequently. The idea from the spirit was to simply touch my ears to signal a nice voice or request, and also, to ‘change the subject’ as it were, and remind her by saying, boy how I love you Milly; Milly what a dear daughter you are to me….” and these positive sayings I think will remind her in a positive way, to speak kindly~~~
I wrote in my scripture journal~ Thank you Lord, for the scripture and the idea!~
February 3, 2009
We had the best adventure ever picking our tree, almost too much for a non-thrill seeker such as myself. You wouldn’t believe the mud that we went through, that I heroically cleaned…
The Lord provided a few tender mercies this season. One was the most blessed family did the twelve days of Christmas for us. This melted my worried and tense heart, from financial and school burdens which were weighing me down. And this blessing coincided with a tender mercy afforded by my sparce tree.
When we chopped it in its entirety, it was a charm. Sawing off the bottom branches, swiped out a good 1/3 of the tree, because those branches swept up, upwards to five feet.
Every time I looked at it, I felt agitated. I had a tree last year that was a Charley with character. I wanted a beautiful tree this year. My dissatisfaction was dampening every Christmas charm that could come my way.
I thought of all the lessons I could learn from this tree being half gone, and they irritated me. Really I could learn those things other ways! I was upset at Riley for cutting them off, because there was a good foot that the tree had from reaching the ceiling. As far as I was concerned those bottom branches shouldn’t have been cut off! I was angry at other dissapointments with Riley’s career that were all coming in on me.
“I plead to the Lord, I really balled and said I need your help so this tree won’t get on my last nerve, or any nerve, please help it to be beautiful to me!!”
He did it, somehow, and at first, when I looked at the tree, I pictured the rest of it was hiding behind the couch. And it helped me think, focus on the positives that others (mainly Riley) has, don’t focus on what people lack.
Then, I got to the point, where when I looked at the tree, it didn’t look like anything was missing at all. And it filled me with wonder, peace and magic each time I looked at it.
Those twelve days of Christmas kept coming into our little humble house, and each day was full, some moments I stressed out and was mean and gnarly and awful, but mostly I was so incredibley happy.
The day I took the tree down, I wept through the whole process. Feeling the tender mercies of the Lord through our generous benefactors that gave us date night out, a turkey, food storage, and reigndeer poop, the most delicious I’ve yet tasted, as well as remembering treasured time with my little ones, family memories, crafting, and enjoying the spirit of Christ, I literally loved my half of tree, and this blessed season.
Blessed be the name of the Lord, for giving me half a tree.
A few ropes are needed.
We pushed the couches really close, and one has to admit, the tree, had its charm:
January 8, 2009
Ok, so, I have to admit when I get very angry, I am known to swear. Which is rather strange, because as a youth, my mouth was basically squeaky clean. I never swore to be cool, and can remember just about a handful my whole growing up years. But being a mother, has brought on more pressure than ever known to my life before, and in my heatestly steamiest moments, I am known to slip. Either in my mind, under my breath, or loud and clear! So two years ago I made the resolution, not to ever again. I gathered some really cute words, some of which I really used to say, “Crumbs!” Lemons! Cranberries!” (To remind me every sour situation has its sweet and is therefore not all that bad) Well, the year went by without success. So I made the goal again. AND my swearing reached unpresidented levels! I think this goal has contradicted itself, canceled out, and raged forth a worse habit. So far, out of some miracle, my children haven’t ever said a swear word. I have prayed that they not remember the words I said, when I have. But I can only rely on God’s grace in this so long, the habit has to be curtailed. So, I am NOT going to make a goal not to swear!–that doesn’t seem to work. My subconscience thinks it is missing out on something great, and rebels. Alright subconscience, you have a choice on the matter, and frankly, I think you’ll strive the better part. No forcing, coercing, straining or compelling my subconscience for now on!
Now, you may think, swearing is not that big of a deal, and you are right! There are worse things, more offensive to the Lord. But swearing for me is about controlling my anger, and controlling my anger is about preserving relationships, because I recently swore twice at my own daughter!
I have humbled myself this year, and decided to start by really getting to the root of the problem: ANGER. Maybe in the summer I can find a community class, and find more great talks at Education week too. But for now, to get started I did a search at byutv.org, ‘anger management’, there are a number of talks on the subject, so I started off with my first.
What it taught were these two keys:
Key 1: Meet the needs before they reach crisis levels. “Sin is a misguided attempt to meet a legitimate need.”
(Cooling Your Hot Buttons: Principles and…
Families Under Fire 2002)
“Jesus saw sin was wrong, but was also able to see sin as springing from deep unmet needs on the part of the sinner…we need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others [including ourselves] to see the basic causes for their failures and short comings.” President Spencer W. Kimball (former Prophet)
Developing empathy for ourselves and others helps us look, what is wrong here, are my feelings being hurt, am I feeling embarrassed, etc. Anger is a mask for the real emotion, (this I discovered from a talk also on byutv.org, unfortunately, is was background noise, and I cant reference this info)
Also, if we find out what the real need is, and meet that need, that is prevention. And as the quote directs, how helpful can this be in developing empathy, when we realize that the way another is acting, is merely another unfound solution for how they are feeling?
So, I must play the scientist, and figure out my needs, often a nice fat prayer where I feel his love surround me could fit the bill.
Key 2: “To focus on changing behavior is to begin too far into the chain of events.” (Mark Chamberlain)
“The Lord works from inside out. The world works from the outside in…The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.” President Ezra Taft Benson (former Prophet)
Chamberlain shows a plane orbiting the earth from far away, and a plane orbiting close up, and then crash! I was making the goal to pray right when I was mad, but I see from this, that how much more effective to correct the coarse much further from the crash. Letting the Lord change our very natures is a large chunk to chew, especially for a New Year’s goal. But I wrote down some things that I can start to see differently, the long term goal of having the Lord slowly change my very nature, with an emergency goal to notice I need help long before crisis point and to ask the Lord’s help in what hasn’t yet been changed in my nature, and adjusted in my attitude/perspective adjustments. (For example, taking the lid off the pot long before boils are about to rupture.)
I have been working on this aspect of me for some time, and surely making some progress, but for the New Year, this being my first study in anger management, here’s a little noted progress:
A librarian called to tell me I had to pay for a ripped page on a book, that we taped, that we wouldn’t of had to pay for if the rip had been left alone, for them to use their special book ripping tape. I was so happy, I rather in a defensive raised tone of voice I admitt, said “We’d be happy to pay for the book.” I explained in an assertively kind voice that I wasn’t aware of that stipulation and perhaps they should let the general public know as they get their library cards.
I said “Dam—pers!” When the phone rang when my kids were sleeping, and I am really praying the word “POP!” which explains a burstful feeling, will come to mind each time something takes me by uwanted surprise….
And, frankly, I thought some swear words. This is a process for me, joy, challenge, an adventure in the journey, right? 😉 wink